My Dream: The Deserted Island

I had a dream! okay that sounded like Martin Luther King ! Anyways its true, i finally had a dream a few nights ago a dream about a couple of monkeys on an Island. Yep, it felt like I was in a cartoon movie. It almost felt like a Tarzan movie. I woke up happy that day. It was a story about 2 monkeys that  lived in a tree house filled up with everything a house should and would have, but more crafty and simple. Furniture was made of wood, no electric, flowers throughout the house, plenty of windows. It was the perfect tree house for the monkeys. The monkeys talked, walked, had dreams, aspirations, goals, wishes, love, sorrow, hate and anger. They were just like anyone else. They wanted a perfect life. I watched like i was watching a movie in the jungle. The male was brown fur, with little hair sticking from the top, a scar of his hand,  and a cute little butt, hehe. The female has very light color coat of fur, and with lots of little freckles. I watched them as they played in the jungle, swinging from tree to tree top freely. They were having a blast, smiling, laughing, and just monkeying around. They often went to this beautiful waterfall where they had their alone time together and relaxed in the water with the sun shining on them and often they would be able to see beautiful rainbows come out.They lived amongst the trees and animals where their was no judgement, no jealousy, no hate. It wasn't till the rumor of those silly and selfish people coming to tear down our island.This hurt us, hurt us so much, that as much as he wanted to stay with me to protect me, he had to go find us a new home. He told me he couldn't fight off these humans, he just couldn't, they were to strong and its not worth it in the end. He told he will be back in 6 months to reunite his love for me in a new home. He was off to find us a new home, a new way of life, a place where we would be safe and in peace. He was off discovering the world, discovering himself, but always remembering our tree, our beautiful tree home. Now that he was left my island is truly deserted. Just Remeber, I will be here next to our beautiful tree, waiting till my pain of worries can be at peace.

Why

"why 6 months of silent?" several people have asked. I answer: because we needed, I needed it. Her question of what would happen when I travel somewhere else for work bombarded me with question of myself and our relationship. Were we moving so fast that we were not think everything through? And what would really happen when we are not together for 1 or 2 months? Will she get tired? Will I get tired? Will our love get tired of waiting? I don't know. But we really have to think this through. Some have said "let the future you and future her deal with it" well I can't cuz when that happens it will hurt more. We are not married and we do not have kids. So, there is nothing tiding as together but our feelings, our dreams. Right now is the moment when we have to think this through when she can walk away if she wants, when I can walk away. I know we don't want to do that. But this time we have to use it wisely. We have to think and reconcile with our families. I barely met them, they barely knew me. We have to think not only with our hearts but with our minds and think the different options of work together, or if itll work together. We have to leave jealousy behind. We have to leave past mistakes behind but not forget them. We have to rememeber what we like and especially what we dislike about our adventure, think how we acted when we were together, was it really me? Was it good? Were we honest? What did we do to upset each other? What we didn't talk? 6 months may seem long yet there will be a lot of adventures in that time that we will live alone and evry those adventures will make us realize either that we really l and are ready to make that commitment or to avoid the hurt and pain down the road when maybe harder to come back. 6 months, a whole summer. Yes it is sad and hard. But I hope she uses it wisely. I hope she thinks putting aside her heart for a second too. Mind and heart combined can make us stronger that ever. They may disagree sometimes but at the end they always support each other once we take some time alone with each one individually.

Just a memory

I sit here on my bed at 4am in the morning wondering how this man on my screen saver has so easily slipped away. They ask me are you guys still together? I  answer although we don't see each other, I am always with him and no one can make me forget. Is he still worth it? I answer yea, he is, he really and truly is. They stop and stare at my sad and worried face and they understand. Pat me on the shoulder and just nod.I sit here and wonder is he okay, is he hurting, does he love me the way he always told me he did, is he fading away. Or is he slowing fading his love into just memories of his past, like where all his past relationships are. I don't want to be one of your relationships you had where you didn't care and didn't try. How could you go around faking your okay, telling me you don't want to lie, when you no very well this break up is a lie. Telling us we should talk to people, but don't want to talk. I remember when we talked, we talked everything out. I remember when you told me you love me, told me how beautiful I was, how much I meant to you. Now its been about a month and I haven't heard nothing about how if he misses me, if he still feels the way he does.
 My friends push and push me to go out, so I do. They tell me come out, its not good to stay inside. So I go out, and enjoy some time, until every time I go out it happens. Its bad, all my memories of our good times together bring those painful tears to my eyes, I disappoint my friends to tell them I have to go, I just can't.   I even had to slap a few people! What kind of guy goes up to a girl and tells them, you want to come to my place, without even a hello. Guess what I said! I said, "The love of my life warned me about you sweet talkers, get away from me!" Yea of course he didn't give up and grabbed my arm tight and said, "well where is this guy?"  I slapped him so hard everyone looked, and I left walking home. I left that day so tempted to call the guy on my screen saver, but i couldn't. I know it would of hurt even more when he didn't picked up. I just really hope he realizes how much my heart really cares about him and how he is doing. I just hope he realizes the love I have for him. I hope I'm just not that shadow of a past memory.

153.75 days, .42 yr.

4:53am, 5/25

NO! I can't

I read, read, read. I don't understand, i can't. I read the drops of rain tonight. I read your body once. I read a note saying "I will always be there." I read my life fading away. I read and I do not understand.
Early in the morning, i feel like singing to the few flowers that are waking up from their long sleep and I say to myself what a beautiful life. I read a few rocks and I sing. I do not understand still why my life is fading away.
Waking up in the middle of the night, found out that I am still fading away. I can barely see my toes. I keep reading what once where my steps. I am singing but voice has faded already too.
Early in the morning, I found a note saying lets talk. I dont understand why, that was written. I can't. I am fading for now. My hands by this time have been swept away by the wind. I cant read anymore. My eyes are gone. I only remember once, that I understood once. But, that is all I can do. Remember.
Waking up in the middle of the afternoon, summer is still not here and we are not ready to face the tree.

what I learned from clementy's

Two victims, one dead and one sentenced to 10 years in prison. There are some many versions of the story, ravi's, the prosecutor's, the defense attorney's, the YouTube activist's, lady gaga's, Ellen's, students', etc etc. however, yesterday, while watching Ravi's interview who presumably bully clementi enough to supposedly make him take the decision of jumping off the washington bridge, I realize how vulnerable we can be. Also, how important is to talk out the problems that we have. Lastly, how important are social media in our lives but we can't make of them diaries of our lives. Thats is why people is so upset and annoyed with Ravi. He posted everything he thought about clementi on twitter or facebook. He admits that he was addicted to social media. Similarly, clementi did the same thing. I agree with the fact that facebook has become the window to share interests and what we do but people forget that the share button means share. "fuck, today suck", "lol, run out of shampoo,no showering today," etc etc. it is true we have freedom of expression yet it is not about that freedom. It is about how personal stuff invades others peoples life. In the interview Ravi regretted not talking with clementi when he had the chance instead of posting his opinions on twitter. He acknowledges that even when he was not the main reason for clementi to commit suicide (personally, I don't think Ravi was the main reason, clementi was depressed already and dealing with a lot of stress. Ravi was just the last thing clementi could bear with), he could have saved him. He could have been the ears that clementi needed to talk out his worries. But, again social media ironically isolate us. We don't need real friends if we can have virtual ones right?
So, what can we do? Can we control social medial for our benefit? I mean after all that was the goal.. Or maybe it was a CIA project to control our lives after all. But either way, we cant delete our facebooks since it is useful but we can be more responsible with it. And ask ourselves evrytime we post something to whom is that post directed. Do we really need to share "our crazy party from a month ago where I drunk too much" do I have to post myself like I am in dating site...? Well, actually the last one if people really are looking I think they can but I don't think anyone will take that person seriously to date. We have to be aware that the "share" button means to share to the 20, 100,500,1000 "friends" that we had who really don't give a damn if you run out shampoo, or you had a crappy day. People have the option of ignore in Facebook and we do it. Some people "like" your "I'm sad" comment some will comment with "awww" fewer will text u, and no one will call u to know what really happen. So, why don't we talk. Why don't we do what Ravi didn't do? Why did I have to wait to read comments online to know that she was worry about something ? Why we really never talk about what bother us? And why didn't we want to listen? That is what this blog became our tool to communicate our thoughts to readers. We cant live without facebook or twitter but let's be aware that everything we post can be held against us at anytime for anything : Jobs, schools, relationships. We need Facebook but we don't need to post everything. If we want to share something personal, let's share it with someone who cares with someone who instead of hitting the "like" button listen to us and give us advice. Let talk.

Changes

Relationships change, we change. We are not the same from last year and we will not be the same after 10 years. Some decide that change is not for them but in their sleep change pull their legs. Some decided that they can't undergo change alone so they find someone or people to change with and they then go through the inevitable metamorphosis process. Others decided that change hurts and they want to deal with it alone so they challenge themselves to bear with the painful changes according to them but they do it alone. Some change for good or choose that sort of change others change and become what they want to be become which may not be to the standards of the people surrounded them who will categorize the change as bad. Some are forced to make changes that they don't want. They are forced to change because they deny change and others are forced to change their changing process to be forced to stop changing. It is incredible that even when you decide not to change what you are choosing is changing already.

The words

There is some much to write but all those thoughts that we want to write sometimes need to be free and not in the prison of paper. Sometimes we want to scream and talk yet we can't find the words. The words need to be in the world of imagination where there are not symbols to handcuff, where they are more than words, where they have legs and arms and beautiful eyes.
However, we need to hunt the words down. They reproduce to fast and there are not enough of us to have a good proportion of words and hominids. We fed of words, we use them, we abuse them. Soon those words will protest against us. Soon we will be the servants of the words. But until then, less keep hunting down those butterflies, aliens, giraffes, cocos, lombrices.

St. Patty's Day

It was this time last year, March 17, 2011, when we took our adventurous journey to New York City. We were only dating about a month and half back then, but that day made me fall him love with him even more. New York City is like our love story, it was their for the beginning of our relationship, we even have a famous "awesomos" holiday named after that day. As I look at our memories of that day through a scrapbook, I look and I saw how happy we were on that day. How nothing mattered, we just enjoyed the beautiful day we had together, never knowing what our future held before us. It was St.Patty's day, an Irish holiday. Yeah he could of went out with his friends to a bar and get drunk, like most people did, but no. He decided to come to NYC with me and watch the St. Patty's Day parade because he wanted to , not because he had to. That decision was a part of what we are today. Now should I hate him for making that decision, no it was one of the best days in our relationship, although it lead up to the worst days. On the contrary, should I hate him for this decision he made now, no because it may lead up to the best days of my life, only time can tell! Now back to the story, again it was St. Patty's day an Irish holiday, yet neither of us were Irish. I love that about him, he can make any holiday and celebrate it like it was his own. He never complained nor told me it was stupid, well he was always strong anyways and never complained about much, he was always positive and it definitely rubbed off on people. We watched this never ending parade on the NYC streets, we took pictures on a hill top. The  best part was when we went to the Zoo. I was so happy when he told me he was taking me to the zoo, I never been to a real zoo, well actually I been to a zoo, just not a big zoo like that one. It was an amazing day! He even made a friend Mr. Seal . That day we made me laugh so hard, it was one of the plastic monkey mask we were playing with and taking pictures, and being so silly. He dropped something, since he had the mask on with the cardboard covering his eyes so he cant see,  I bent down to pick it up when we bumped heads because he tried to pick it up without any sight to see it. We laughed so hard and till this very day I remember that exact moment and it always brings a smile to my  face and sometimes I have to laugh.

That day brings back so many memories back. This year St. Patrick's day, I was sad. Everybody talked about what they did last year and asked me where I was, all I could do was look them in the eye  so hard  as my eyes turning red and they would say, "oh," and I walked away with nothing. All I could  think about was "Our beautiful NYC love story" that will continue to grow.

155.10 days, .42 yr.

*Why he is the perfect Man for me, Why I love him*

One day he asked me, why do you love me. I love you because your amazing!..but now I explain the reason why your so amazing, why I love you so much. Thank you for everything, our relationship was amazing, the most loved relationship. By the way, their is a ton more reasons, but it may be to "bazillion" and won't fit, so I narrowed it, for the sake of the readers.

1. You love me for who I am and who I was.

2. We have our own language

3. We have cute little nicknames, that I love so much "honey bunches of oats" "Monita, Monito"

4. We laugh at the stupid things

5. I can tell you anything

6. you respect me and my decisions

7. our hands fit perfectly together

8. you always make me laugh

9. you always make me smile, even when I'm sad

10. You encourage me to be my best and support me

11. your patient with me and our relationship

12. The way you give that certain look that always makes me smile

13. how you care for  me&you get upset when I don't care about myself, & you have that, "What!" face lol

14. I love the way you push yourself in everything

15. How you care about your family and respect them

14.  I love the way you talk about you past, present, and future--such a beautiful ways

15.  How you care about my family and their relationship with me

16. I love how when we talk about a normal topic, but ends with something totally bizarre and weird and   

     be okay with that.(Locker room/Steam rooms, trans)

17. How you want the same future together as I do

18. The way you kiss me

19. Your hugs

20. Your Kiss attacks

21. Your big hugs and pick me up and swing me around hugs lol

22. How we can still act like little kids when we want to

23. I love when you smile at me, its so adorable

24. When we can just lay next to each and talk, and your hair is messy

25. I love the way you look in my eyes and tell me you love me

26.  I love you eyes, how their light brown in the sun

27. I love your body! down to the last little freckle. so freakin' sexy :)

28. I love how when its time to leave, we never want to leave each others side

29. I love how we fight who is suppose to get off the phone first.

30. I love how after just seeing me, we miss each other

31. How being apart just a week feels like a "bazillion years" to long

33. i love when you dance and you teach me to dance.

34. I LOVE LOVE when you speak spanish, and dance your meringue or bachata.

35. I love how your not afraid to tell people you love me.

36. I love how your always positive and nothing can put you down

37. I love how strong you are

38.I love your cute muscle man pictures -mi Popeye 

39.  I love how handsome you look when your all dressed up and gel it

40.  I love how you brush through my hair

41. I love how our love grows even stronger each day

42. I love how your happy to be with me, how you still love me in public

43. How you kiss my hands so gently

44.I love your beautiful words, your little and big text messages, I smile every time I receive one.

45. I love when you rub my belly, even though i push away.

46. When we have just cuddle and enjoy each others company

47. I love how we are so awesomos

48. I love our big and small adventures

49. I love how you keep me active and moving

50. I love waking up next to you

51. I love when you made me breakfast....

52. ..... and then you cleaned the dishes, which made me love you more, even though I felt bad lol

53.How when my thought of us breaking up, you ran to me to tell me you love , at my job

54. I love you because you make my day complete and make my days perfect.

55. I love how Im always thinking about you, and always on my mind

56. I love when you tell me you want to be with me forever

57. How you tell me you want to marry me, and have a monito family

58. I love you, although very dangerous, where you are ticklish.

59. I love how you show so much sympathy to any cut, bruise, and little bang, it makes me feel you care.

60. I love how even though my name is Maria, you call me Bella, I love that alot.

61. I love how passionate we are when we kiss, how you hold my face.

62. I love when you give me little gifts, small gifts, its adorable

63. I love how my family and friends know how much I love you

64. I love how our love is pure, without jealously.

65. how we trust  each other, how you tell me always you wont do anything to hurt me

65. I love that you always speak from your heart and mean it.

66. i love how my parents love you and your parents respect us and gave us that chance to be together

67.I love that you are proud of me ( how you think I'm smart) .. don't forget im so proud of you

68. I love that you want to be with me

69. I love when you kiss my neck and ears so gently

70. I love how when the little dreams I have, are about you.

71. how you always give me the best advice, and how I look for your advice always

72. I love knowing you are by my side

73. I love that fact that I can tell my friends your the best boyfriend and he is the one.

74. I love how you know Im the one.

75. I love how responsible you are about your life decisions.

76. I love your lips.

77. when you leave a voicemail on my phone, you don't want to hang up

78 How hardworking you are (I'm amazed how much you have accomplished)

79. you can laugh at your coconut and pineapple joke 

80. his openness to try new things

81. He gives me small kisses on my foreheads

82. I love him because of his past, present, and future

83. I love for the way he is with his brother

84.I love him because he sees the best in me when I see the worst

85. He is strong and determined

86.He makes me feel safe, even when he is away

87. He loves me for all my imperfections

88. How your shy about your height,  but never show, you don't care what others think of you

89. I love you when you give me the sweetest compliments, and make me blush.

90. I love how fight about how similar we are (horoscope, height, birthday, but then again soo different)

91. I love how you always know how to keep the party going, always able to talk in a crowd. 

92. As soon as i  hear your voice, my day because the best day.

93. You are my best friend

94. You sing to me and play the guitar 

95. How you help me figure out who I am and who I am becoming

96. when you trick me when kissing and blow air lol.

97. I love how comfortable you are in your own skin

98. Our journey of pictures

99. I love you because of this beautiful blog you made us

100. I LOVE HIM because he is AWESOMOS, and such a big part of my life!!

what we will miss

I remember when i was alone. I was 6 and we moved to this new house which until this moment i know that house was hunted. It was so dark at night and I went with my "stepsister-at-that-time" to check the place out. It was so dark...so dark. The fear was so intense, you know, that kind of fear that freezes you that does not let you breath. We ran out of it. For the whole time that we lived in that house, I always was afraid.
I talked with brother and recognize that voice of fear and protest. The kind of voice I can relate to. I heard he has been skipping homework so I called him to tell him that he should do his homework. He replied with rebel's voice: "I'll do it." Tough times he is going through. Tough times he will face in life. Our father is not young anymore and lately he has been sick. I miss my dad, I always did.
While living in that scary house while I was 6, my dad used to disappear for a couple of days. Actually, I do not remember whether it was days, or weeks, I jus remember waiting for him. Unfortunately, imagination is never a friend when we are worried or when when we wait. On top of my bed there was an small window which led to a vacant lot. That lot was scary too because it was so vacant. At nights I used to imagine my dad leaving his glasses on the frame of the window outside while agonizing. That is terrible to imagine when you are kid. Imagine loosing your parents is never easy even when you think you are an adult capable of dealing with such pains. However, I did imagine that. I imagine him being robbed and him being hurt and with  his last breath leaving his glasses on that window. Every night when he did not come home, that movie played on my head.
So, I know what my brother is thinking. Even when I do not want to, I cannot deny that my dad is getting weaker. I know he will be ok and that he will recover, and so does my brother. But just as I imagine him being missing during those nights, my brother imagines his father being gone. So, he rebels against the world.  So, he complains about someone being taken away. He does not know that yet but that is what his fighting.
I hung up. Silent for 10 minutes, the movie plays again.
10 minutes pass and my throat is tied up. I cannot speak. I can only speak in my mind. I close the doors of myself to the world. I said to myself I can figure everything out and I do not need of anyone.
Someone snaps me out of it.
Then, I realize that i still have my father, my mother, my brother, my stepmother, my stepfather...no one has died. I have not died indeed. How can I be honest with someone when I am not honest with my father and my mother. How can I say I love you to anyone when I never talk about that love with my father and my mother. I do not know what my father and mother think and they do not know what I am going through. Some years ahead my father will die and my brother will be still young. I will still be his son. Why should I wait until my father and mother dies to tell them my stories, to make them laugh, or to make them cry by my side. I know they have a lot stuff going on, they have jobs, house, and their marriages to worry about. However, I cannot hide from them. Besides they always know when something is going with me. I mean I am their son. Genetically, I am them and they are Me. How can I prive them of what is in my mind? how can I prive them of giving me advice, their opinion of what is happening in my life? how? should I wait until they are in the coffin so I can cry on them and ask myself the stupid question: "why i did not talk to them more often? why?!"
My brother has me but I will never replace his parents. I can't and I won't. So I told him: you better do your homework because I am doing the same thing right now and you gotta be good." Next time, I will try to talk to him a bit more. Next time, I will talk to my dad a bit more. I do not want miss my parents when they are gone. I wan to have the relief that I talked to them when I had the chance, that I argue with them when I had the chance, that I laughed with them when I had the chance, that I told them everything when I had the chance, that I heard their advice when I had the chance. My brother will learn that soon. I will tell him that is time to learn to value the old guy and the old lady who bring bread to the table and kiss us good night when we were kids. We move in life leaving friends behind yet somehow parents stick to us...i guess that is genetics. They listen to us but if we do not talk they listen nothing.

No title only ruins

Listen to that voice inside, try to pay attention to your heart.
But I can't, I don't hear myself and I try to run and help but I am not there. I am no where that is why I remain silent for now until speech comes back to me. I laughed and smile but somehow I had this hole in my heart. I have to find the way to discover myself and I need to do it so I can move on. I am sad even when I laugh and empty even when I have company. I need to b able to feel and not lie to myself. I will see the sun rise and leaves come out and I will be ready to figure everything out

His Hands

164.25 days, .45 yrs
I miss a lot of things about him. I miss when he tells me he loves me especially. When he gives me his great big hugs and kiss attacks. Oh dam, I miss those kiss attacks they always made me smile. But for some odd reason I can't get out of my head his hands. His perfect hands and fingers that fit perfectly into mine. When he holds my hand and they fit perfectly between each finger. He squeezes my hands and kisses them. How when he touches me gently, i can feel my heart beating faster. I miss when he touches my face, it makes me feel on Im the only person for him and i feel on top of the world. when he runs his fingers through my hair and tells me he love me. When he touches rocky Balboa, and tells me Im beautiful. I miss all the small things he did for me.  I know this is weird and may think Im crazy, but his hands make me feel protected and loved. And for some reason i can't get them out of my mind.

“Falling in love with someone isn't always going to be easy... Anger... tears... laughter.. It's when you want to be together despite it all. That's when you truly love another. I'm sure of it.”

“Love is when you shed a tear and still want him, it's when he ignores you and you still love him, it's when he loves another girl but you still smile and say I'm happy for you, when all you really do is cry.”

“We fit together so well...it's like pieces of a puzzle, the way your hand fits the curve of my hip and the way my head rests on your shoulder, the way our hands just melt into one, and the way I feel complete when I'm with you...like the picture's finally completed and I'll never have to wonder what I'm missing.”

 ~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

each day I wait for your signs

in the morning when you awake

at night I count every finger of your hands

your hands of bones and summer blood

your hands which you say have forgotten how to dream

as if winter could ever wean its desires of spring

or birds in the morning tell lies

and refuse to sing

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

in late afternoon we were walking on the shore

several dozen feet above the waves a congregation of birds

seagulls, herons, pelicans

hungry searching for a meal

then in the next breath

dove a pelican

like a fleshy arrow into the sea

plucked a fish and went off

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I looked for you

on the beach

I wanted to lie down

next to you

on the cool sand

I wanted to show you why it’s important

to recognize the shape of your hand

the look of your hand

the special way to touch the lines

of your palm

the roads and paths

marks of eternity

I wanted to tell you about the pelican

how quickly it reached a decision

how it knew what to do

how to live and not die

but your hands which you say have forgotten

how to dream

your hands

which I look for

each day

~*Our Beautiful summer*~

My beautiful summer! First time in my life I wished summer would end already. The time we get the most time to spend together, wants to be spent alone. Our beautiful summer wont be so beautiful anymore.Today as I watch  people walking through the park, talking, and enjoying each others companies. It made me break inside. The times we walk through the park just talking and enjoying the day is gone. The water park slides will have to let me go alone. My tennis matches will be against the wall. My beautiful beach days that I was looking forward to so much, is now a gloomy day.That may be it, not wanting to see me on the beach, no one does, so I will go alone. Summer day movies, are movies at home. Today I watched "our tree," just remembering our days and letting it stare at me with its bony, leafless figure. "I'm never going to grow up, I'm never going to grow my summer leaves." "I'm done, just forget me." I stared it down so hard, watching it just slightly move in the breeze in silence. I felt as if it was laughing at me, laughing at how stupid I was, how foolish. I laughed at it back, thinking  i will glue leaves on you if I have to! look who is smiling now!

Started on 3/10 with 168 days

Now its 3/13 with 165.07 days with .45 of a year

Only a few days have passed and I feel already Ive lost my one true love. I see no signs of any care still left, I guess that's what he wanted, he wanted to not be able to care for anyone.  Has he lost interest, lost his love, his care he was so passionate about. Now he has his rocks to love, his beautiful  rocks that he is attracted to so much. He wont ever let those go. That's what you love and you will fight for those rocks with your life. you will let them form to your life. Me...Im okay... I left to be thrown in useless rock pile, left wondering why. With no explanation, just a Leave me alone with no sign of any sadness, we can't have anything to do with each other. Hard to believe he still cares for me, even harder to explain it to someone else. Even with all this, no one can understand the love I have for this man. He is everything for me, he is the one who makes everything possible in my life. he makes me smile in the hardest on times, keeps me motivated in my times of lost, understands me and know my past and brings my future. But, he doesn't want me in my present. I  will wait and count the days until I get the happiest or saddest call of my life.

I will pray for you and your family always
Please Please let summer end already

Rock And Rock, Sex and Love

A kid came to me and asked me: "You are in college? You must party a lot. I bet everything is Rock and Roll, a shit tone of sex. I cant wait to be in college so I can do all that shit"
I smiled.
Another kid came to me and said to me: "Damn...I cant wait to move out of my house. I am tired of living by my stupid parents rules. Once I am 18 I will go away"
I turned to him and smiled.
A third boy came and asked me: "how many times have you fallen in love? I think i have fallen in love 12 times and all of them were of the same girl"
I looked at him and smiled for a third time.
So, I took my bike and I went to down town where a Rock and Roll concert was about to take place. There, I observed these three boys hanging out together. I was curious about what they will become after 5 years. I started betting with myself that the first kid will be become a Pimp until a girl will come and shake his world upside down and make him pay. I was sure the second kid will run away for 4 hrs the first time, for a weekend the second time, and for a whole life the third time. However, his mind will never leave that mean place that he called home. Finally, the third kid will forget about that girl whom he fall in love 12 times and fall in love once and truly of a girl that only the future has put on his life 13 times.
I took my bike and ride it home. I invited over a friend and my story became the topic of our conversation. After arguing for a while about the destiny of those three kids, my friend hold my hand and whispered on my ear "you know that you have not left the house for three days already, and you do not have a bike right?" My blood rush in my body like an ocean being hit by a hurricane. I could not speak...my friend was right. I have not been able to get out. 

My dreamless dreams

Everyone wonders what my dreams are. Who plays in them and what happens in my dreams. I tell them I don't dream, my dreams are dreamless. I tell them why do I need to dream when my all my dreams have came true. That although I still have a future ahead of me, I know with him all dreams are possible and he makes them realty. How could you doubt anyone that makes you sooo happy you want to cry. Makes you feel comfortable in your own skin, by just 3 small, but big words. How can your heart beat faster and slow at the same time at every soft kiss, or clutching hug. My dreams are reality and I couldn't ask for anything more anything more precious and dear to me than the one that makes them true.

 "A dream is a wish your heart makes"

~ my dreams are from my heart.

When a tale is not enough to go to sleep

I have become a vampire. I sleep during the day...everyone talks but i do not remember what they say. At night, anxiety rushes within me and I can only think one thing...I am alone. Some vampires become vampires against their will others like me were born to cover themselves with the sheet of loneliness. I walk at night and i see people laughing, dancing...holding hands. how stupid they are, they do not know how pathetic they look. Yes, humans are pathetic. They never know what they want. They keep looking for happiness when it is right next to them. Humans are pathetic!...always complaining and wining about their future. They worry so much about it that they forget about their present. They are always fearful, skeptical, insecure about themselves. Thats why the human race will fall very soon. Because of their pride, humans have risk it all...have lost it all. Nevertheless, I need them. I can't survive sucking up dears' blood. It's so sour. It always misses that salty, spicy taste that humans have. I start to think that there is a correlation between their lack of courage, their self respect and their tastiness. Oh humans, i guess we do have something in common. We both are lonely. You choose to be lonely because your are stupid because you never think about anyone but yourself because you never value what "life" puts on your hands. I chose to be alone. I walk alone among loneliness, I don't regret being a vampire yet sometimes while i sleep in my coffin i wonder about how she is doing...does she miss the touch of the rain like I do?