When I need a friend, I have none

A night of pain, tears, and barely sleep is followed by the same thing the next day. I never knew that falling asleep crying would leave me to wake me up with tears in my eyes with no one to talk to. Does he feel the same? In my mind, he has lots of other things to worry about and I am on the last on his mind. I am not sure how I made it through this day knowing I'm alone, he was my best friend, he was the one I talked to when i was sad or upset, he was always their for me, without my best friend I'm alone. Who am I suppose to talk to and tell me its going to be alright. I need my friend back, i need someone to talk to.  I don't want to be strong, I don't want to tell everyone everything is okay when its not, I want to be in his arms now and forever.


Today after class I thought to myself, thank goodness I am going to work, and don't have to sit home. How wrong was that thought! Everyone saw right through me! I tried to be strong, tell everyone everything is fine, when its not.  It makes it worse when people sympathize saying, "don't worry," "Are you okay," "give me a hug,". No, no , no please it hurts even more. Of course, tears come down, even when I try my hardest to keep them in, I have no control. I'm weak. This whole day at work, I hoped and wished and prayed that he would walk through those doors and tell me he loves me and give me a GIGANTIC MONISHA KISS, and tell me he wants to plan our spring break,  vacation, our home, family, wants to spend his life with me and he is sorry, and will never let me go. But as customer after customer walk through those doors and night nears, i hopes dissolve and my heart sinks even further.


Lastly it was hardest thing ever not to text him, "Good night, I love you, kisses" How could I just stop what I have been doing a year without any pain or reason why I should stop, when we both love each other so much. He needs his space, I make him soo happy he tells me, but he needs to be alone. For how long, no one will tell me. I just sit wishing he would take me back. Even through all this, I would take him back within a heart beat, without even a thought. I love him with all my heart, now I just waiting to see if he does too. Am I still his bella, monisha, love, mi amor? Its hard to think he cares.

His Star

yeah, that is right he did it. HE accomplished what only counted people have so successfully accomplished.  Hurting the being that made him happy. He walked down the hall, he tried to look back in every step but his shame did not allowed him. Hundreds of people walking by him, beneath him yet he was so alone. The hall was endless and he hoped it never end so he could never come back, so he never could hurt that person again. He wanted to disappear. Although it was a decision that he thought he thought through, who can think that through?
He saw her pain, her tears, she falling. He wanted to revert things but it was late, reverting things can only make things worse, he thinks. He is certain about one thing: she, the being that is everything for him, will be a star. She will become that star that she thinks she is not. Later, the star will guide him, perhaps from the distance but he is certain that her light will always reach him just like it has done until now. 

tale tellers

You are right, how can I say I love you and let you go? it is confusing and stupid say I will be there when I couldn't be there when i needed to be. I do not know anything about love, I don't think anyone knows. I knew since the beginning that there was more of you that was showed to everyone. That person that only few have been able to appreciate. That person that today I only hurt.
Every shared laughter was pure. Every adventure was unique, a pure one. And today, every tear just reflected how much those things will be missed.
I can't ask you to wait forever, I can't. I can only say that I will be here. It is stupid and incomprehensible and I may lead to more pain. However, I will not move.

An "I love you" End

These few weeks have a been a roller coaster of rides. We are so happy together, we are sad, angry at our actions, working through our careers, our relationship and still we fight through it. Until it ends. An unconditionally treasured love, that once could stand anything, ends today with 'I love you'. A promise that you would stand by my side, ends with 'I love you'. How could you love me so much but want me away at the same time? Its my fault I realize now. I was the one that said when i needed to tell you something important, you were not there. Its my fault. yes, you weren't their when I needed you, but that doesn't mean you weren't their the rest of the time and you won't be their in the future. I trust you completely and the thought that you gone telling me you love me, hurts even more. I want to be their for you and support you like i promised. I want you to always be by my side, like you promised. please dont tell me "I love you's and its only the best. I want to work through this with you! please don't hurt me.

--Bella <3 .. xoxo
PS. I can't post my invite expired.
~I love you truely 

Waiting for my fingers

Even in the darkest places life expands its tentacles to makes us realize that we are miracles to the eyes of those creatures that live in the darkness. Miguel, a white crab that lives aproximately 3465m deep in the ocean is wondering how life is on the surface, if it is posible at all. He has only heard the tories of his uncle who once got carried by the currents to that unexplored world. Miguel only could imagine. The curiosity did not let him sleep some nights.