So why do I complain? why i have to submerged in my thoughts?...
"I remember you"...yes I remember her. Each time she laughs, each time she touches my fingers. Yes, I can remember her. I cant remember myself. The shower washes my body and I beg the water to wash my thoughts away, to wash who i am, where i come from. However, the water just hits me...I hear it giggling like it is making fun of me. I go to the mine early because I do not like the other miners making fun of me and my wiry eyes. I have spent 35 years of my life mining coal, the last 5 with cancer. "Damn it, this life can never get easier." 20 years happily married. She is so sweet. Every day for the last 20 years of my life I have gone into that mine with her picture attached to my chest. She is the treasure which for previous 15 years i was looking for. I still wondering what she saw on me, I still blaming myself for not giving her the life she dreamed as a kid. I never knew whether she accepted my cancer or she does it because she loves me. I am so stupid, aren't I? I am a sad man even when i found the most beautiful treasure. I am still asking for more when everything has be given to me. This dark mine has contained many of my stories and personal monsters, that is what I have always been afraid of...my monsters getting to her. That is why today i ask myself if she has witness them...I want to tell her that she does not have to put up with my monsters. I want to tell that I am very sorry that my cancer may not have cure and that one day I will go into that mine and won't come out. "why you love me?" i ask her...
A treasure has to be treasured...I don't know how to that.
"I remember you"...yes I remember her. Each time she laughs, each time she touches my fingers. Yes, I can remember her. I cant remember myself. The shower washes my body and I beg the water to wash my thoughts away, to wash who i am, where i come from. However, the water just hits me...I hear it giggling like it is making fun of me. I go to the mine early because I do not like the other miners making fun of me and my wiry eyes. I have spent 35 years of my life mining coal, the last 5 with cancer. "Damn it, this life can never get easier." 20 years happily married. She is so sweet. Every day for the last 20 years of my life I have gone into that mine with her picture attached to my chest. She is the treasure which for previous 15 years i was looking for. I still wondering what she saw on me, I still blaming myself for not giving her the life she dreamed as a kid. I never knew whether she accepted my cancer or she does it because she loves me. I am so stupid, aren't I? I am a sad man even when i found the most beautiful treasure. I am still asking for more when everything has be given to me. This dark mine has contained many of my stories and personal monsters, that is what I have always been afraid of...my monsters getting to her. That is why today i ask myself if she has witness them...I want to tell her that she does not have to put up with my monsters. I want to tell that I am very sorry that my cancer may not have cure and that one day I will go into that mine and won't come out. "why you love me?" i ask her...
A treasure has to be treasured...I don't know how to that.
An "I love you" End:
ReplyDeleteThese few weeks have a been a roller coaster of rides. We are so happy together, we are sad, angry at our actions, working through our careers, our relationship and still we fight through it. Until it ends. An unconditionally treasured love, that once could stand anything, ends today with 'I love you'. A promise that you would stand by my side, ends with 'I love you'. How could you love me so much but want me away at the same time? Its my fault I realize now. I was the one that said when i needed to tell you something important, you were not there. Its my fault. yes, you weren't their when I needed you, but that doesn't mean you weren't their the rest of the time and you won't be their in the future. I trust you completely and the thought that you gone telling me you love me, hurts even more. I want to be their for you and support you like i promised. I want you to always be by my side, like you promised. please dont tell me "I love you's and its only the best. I want to work through this with you! please don't hurt me.
--Bella <3 .. xoxo
PS. I can't post my invite expired.
~I love you truely